


Meme Life

by AfflictedwithAlliteration



Series: Cotton Candy [6]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Swapfell (Undertale), Awful Puns, BDSM, Chapter 3 has some actual smut, Do it for the meme, Fluff, Humor, Kink life, Language, POV Second Person, Quarantine memes, Reader-Insert, Safe word jokes, Sans is not impressed, Tiniest bit of smut at the end, Why does he put up with you?, Working from Home, You are easily amused, borderline crack?, chapter 4 also has some smut, gender-neutral, safe words, sex puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:14:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22943116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AfflictedwithAlliteration/pseuds/AfflictedwithAlliteration
Summary: In which you try Sans long suffering patience in a series of internet memes come to life.
Relationships: Sans (Undertale)/Reader
Series: Cotton Candy [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1117524
Comments: 24
Kudos: 150





	1. Safe Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you try to make a new safe word.

"But they're boring!"

Your whine is evident but Sans only snarls at you, teeth bared but he can't bother to look away from his task of rubbing the cream into your wrists. It hadn't been bad enough to safe-word really, and you'd enjoyed it but Sans hated it when you didn't at least mention it was border-lining the red territory. 

"THAT IS NOT THE DAMN POINT!"

"Alright, alright." You snuggle closer for forgiveness, and he eyes you briefly before standing up to put the medicine away. You hear him tinkering in the bathroom before his body fills the doorway and he glares at you. Not so easily forgiven it seems. 

"WHAT IF YOU PICK ONE...NOT BORING?"

He uses quotations around 'not boring' and if the huffy roll of his eyes is any indication he is still not amused but he is willing to compromise. You hadn't actually thought of using your own safe-word before but now the possibilities are endless. You close your eyes in thought when the meme from earlier in the day flits through your mind. Opening your eyes you smirk at the skeleton. 

"Meatloaf."

"DARE I ASK WHY?" He knows you well enough to question the tone, eyes narrowed into the smallest pricks of light and you smother the laughter just long enough to get out a response.

"Because I'd do anything for love but I won't do that."

"NO."

Either a denial to the stupidity of the joke or the word in general and it makes you grin and continue, rolling over on the bed to lay on your stomach, feet kicking in amusement as his gaze darkens when your grin only widens.

"Oh, oh! What about banana?"

He growls lowly and stomps forward, his posture signaling a rant. "I DON'T SEE WHY WE CAN'T JUST USE COLORS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, BORING OR NOT IT'S FOR YOUR SAFETY. OR PICK A WORD THAT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE AND YOU WOULD REMEMBER!"

"You done?"

"FINE! WHY DO YOU WANT BANANA?"

"Cause when shit is too rough...that shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s!"

His sigh sounds pained but there was a twitch in his lips at that one. Likely due to the off-key singing that had accompanied it but you're wearing him down so you continue, on a roll now you've started.

"Maybe...this ain't Burger King!"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" The offense is his voice is a tangible thing and you choke on your punchline when you laugh at the horrified expression he's wearing, managing to wheeze it out between cackles of glee.

"Why not? Then you'd know we can't have it your way!"

"THAT IS ENOUGH. IF YOU WON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY—"

"Okay, okay." You hold your hands up in surrender as he stalks closer to you, arms crossed and looking the picture of done with your shit. "Orange!"

"WHY."

"Cause orange you glad I didn't say banana?"

"...WHY AM I ATTRACTED TO YOU?"

"Awww, I love you too!" 

You make grabby hands for him to come closer so you can hug him around the waist when he stops at the foot of the bed.

"ARE YOU QUITE DONE?"

"Serious this time...how about...mango?"

"WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH FRUIT?! AND DO NOT TELL ME THE PUNCH LINE. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE OF THIS NONSENSE, THIS IS SERIOUS!" If you giggle because he stomps his foot, it's his fault for doing it. Though he does flick your ear in retribution. "BUT LET'S HEAR IT. IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE THIS INSISTENT, FINISH YOUR STUPID GAME."

But he doesn't sound angry, he is almost curious and you give Papy a mental fist bump and make a note to bother him for more memes later.

"...because that how you know a man need to...go."

"I TAKE BACK ANY TIME I'VE EVER SAID I LOVE YOU. AND THAT WAS THE WORST ONE YET, IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING."

You raise an eyebrow at the challenge and tug him onto the bed with you, adjusting awkwardly until you are sitting in his lap. If he wants full ham, he's getting full ham. You press your forehead against his, cupping his cheeks gently while his hands wrap securely around your waist. 

"What about trust?"

There is silence as he tries to find the joke in it then narrows his eyes suspiciously. 

"WAIT...THAT ONE MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK...WHY?"

"Because I trust you."

He flushes darkly and you can't resist giving him a kiss. Your lips pressed against his softly, enjoying the closeness and the way you can feel the heat of his cheeks under your fingers, laughing softly into his lips you pull away.

"But if you don't like that one, how about hose?"

It takes a moment for him to respond and when he does he looks like he might strangle you.

"HOW. HOW IS THAT EVEN A JOKE."

"Because they're always kinky!"

You don't avoid it when he shoves you off of him with a startled bark of laughter.

* * *

"Papyrus!"

The silence that follows is deadly and shocked. The startled look on his face is enough to have you in stitches. You're crying from laughter and Sans only looks completely disgusted even if his cock hasn't gone down or left you. If anything the pressure from laughing feels amazing and you're torn between actually safe-wording so you can try this whole scene again later and telling him to fuck you until you can't laugh anymore.

"STOPLIGHTS. WHAT IS SO FUCKING HARD ABOUT USING STOPLIGHTS?!"

"Tr-traffic cones don't count?"

You finally gasp out between giggles and he removes himself before grabbing a pillow to try and smother you with, muttering darkly about revenge as he does. But you still aren't even the least bit remorseful, the laughter starting up once more.

"FROM NOW ON WE ARE GAGGING YOU. TAP OUTS ONLY."

* * *

It's only after that, that you type out a quick reminder on your phone to learn morse code. Morse code counted for tap outs right? You wonder how long it would take him to realize you were tapping out dirty puns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Typically, I'm always a fan of the stop lights, easy to remember and universal for the most part. But the puns for safe-words and the memes, ugh, the memes. I couldn't resist the temptation.
> 
> Nor could I decide if it should go in Cotton or Hard Candy since the topics but also...not real sexy times? So both. Both is good :D


	2. Quaratine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you try to seduce your boyfriend.

"WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE DAY?"

You hum as you laze on the bed, with no work for the moment you have an entire day of nothing. Sans will be far busier with his work, computer work is easier to take home but you can't be expected to keep yourself entertained for the whole day. And the skeleton would never admit it but he'd rather have you lazy than bother him when he worked. 

"Dunno yet, why?"

He turns to watch you scroll through your phone with narrowed eyes before turning back to his work. "THEN I EXPECT YOU TO BE PRODUCTIVE AT SOME POINT."

And what's this? 

Productive?

You snicker at the meme on your phone. After all, he never said how you had to be productive. 

"Sure thing, already have plans to quarantine and flick the bean."

His choked off sputter of laughter is well worth it.

And now you have something entertain you for the rest of the day.

* * *

"You done yet?"

"NOT SINCE YOU ASKED ME FIVE MINUTES AGO."

"You know they can't actually log your hours?"

"BUT I CAN."

With a groan you draped yourself across his back and eye the screen. It's busy work, sure enough, so you don't feel guilty as you press near his ear to whisper, "How about you take a break?"

"...WHY?"

"For lockdown and pound-town, obviously."

"I AM TAKING YOUR PHONE AWAY, THAT IS JUST AWFUL. WHAT PART OF THAT IS SEDUCTIVE?"

But his cheeks are slightly flushed and you can barely hold back a cackle as he shakes you off. You take it as a means to switch sides, pressing an unapologetic kiss to his cheek, "Sorry, would you prefer cabin fever and smashing the beaver?"

"IMPACT PLAY IS YOUR KINK, NOT MINE."

It's your turn to sputter indignantly while Sans chuckles.

* * *

You're bored out of your mind and it's barely dinner time. You don't know how you're expected to function doing nothing, and boredom masturbation only keeps you busy for so long. And it's even worse now that you see the notification on your phone informing you of a soon-to-be curfew. With a sigh you lean back on the couch.

"Sans!"

"IF THIS IS ANOTHER POOR ATTEMPT-"

"No! We're on curfew now."

"LOVELY."

"Secluded in our homes."

"DRAMATIC."

"Which can only mean one thing-"

"DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE IF YOU WANT TO EAT DINNER."

"We'll have to seclude and get nude."

"STARVE."

* * *

You ease off as the evening whines down, if only to lull him into a false sense of security. 

After all, he's either going to murder you before the day is over or fuck the stupidity right out of you. Or well, he'll try anyway, and you did love it when he tried. With a smile that you're sure was giving you away, you lean against on his shoulders and bat your eyes dramatically before speaking.

"Can we just...turn off the media hype?"

It's not what he's expecting because he starts after a split second of silence and changes the channel instantly, "OF COUR-"

"'Cause I want you to lay down some pipe."

His hands rub at his temples but there is a grin underneath his glare that is adorable as you just smile stupidly at him.

"I SINCERELY HOPE THAT WAS THE LAST OF THEM."

"Nope." You pop the 'P' like a child as he huffs shoving your head away and waving a hand to your phone.

"GET OVER HERE AND SHOW ME THEM SO YOU CAN CEASE THIS NONSENSE."

You scrabble to get it before making yourself comfortable in his lap this time and he raises an eye ridge. 

"It's for ambiance."

It's so you can see his face as you seduce ~~pester~~ him.

"...I'M BEGINNING TO THINK I'D RATHER BE IN QUARANTINE WITH PAPYRUS."

"Oh please, you couldn't hide and astroglide with him."

"WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU NEED ASTROGLIDE FOR?"

"For when I'm getting sick and riding the doomsday dick?"

"I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU."

"You're right. It'd be more sanitary to use vicks and get our fix."

"I AM NOT PUTTING VICKS ON YOU, DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE GINGER?" You snort as you scroll through the phone for the last few you'd saved but the fact that he is actually entertaining these means-"AND YOU HAVE THREE MINUTES TO FINISH THIS GAME."

"Why's that?"

His grin is feral as he leans forward, "BECAUSE THEN I WANT TO TRY THE LOCKDOWN AND CHOKE THE COCK DOWN."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I did edit the title and chapter titles because this now will be multi-fic'd whenever I feel like it.
> 
> Also, yes this pandemic is bad but we can find humor in things to ease it (and these work as A+ seduction on your friends, just saying).


	3. Cumpetition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which your bonefriend tries to teach you a lesson.

You lay panting, preening in the afterglow until a drip of the cum slides down your chest and nearly lands on Sans. He barely flinches and you know he’ll be raving soon about staying sanitary but you feel laughter bubbling as the image makes you think of the meme you'd seen earlier. Keeping your voice as serious as you can even if you can't wipe the grin off your face, you look over to the skeleton.

“Sans…it’s over.”

It takes all of .2 seconds for him to be leaning over you, worried eyelights scanning your face closely. You almost feel guilty but you’re still grinning like a loon, and he is beginning to frown. Understanding dawning, he knows you so well, and you wrap your arms around his neck in a swell of affection as his face twists in confusion. 

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND, WHAT IS WRONG?”

“I just feel like somethings _cum_ between us.” You over annunciate the word and release him to gesture between your chests wildly. For a moment his face is indescribable then he simply gets up and heads to the bathroom, you sit up with a ‘tsk’ and pout. “Don’t be mad, I thought that one was pretty good!”

“OH, _CUM_ NOW, YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT. IF YOU WANT TO IMPRESS ME, YOU’LL HAVE TO TRY HARDER." He shuts the door but you can hear him through it anyway as you pout aggressively at it. "YOU’RE GETTING PREDICTABLE, PRECIOUS.” 

Oh, it is so on.

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

" _Fuck me!_ " You choke it out as you struggle to move against the wall he has you pinned to but a soft hand running down your side, stills you as he grinds against your ass. You press your cheek to the wall to try to cool it, pushing back against him so he'll press you harder into the wall then groaning when he does. 

"NO. THIS IS ALL YOU DESERVE."

The words are hissed in your ear, followed by the hot, heady scrap of teeth along the cartilage. It's not nearly enough. Worse when you can feel the outline of his cock pressed against you, warm enough that you know his pants are gone. The thought is enough to make you moan, trailing off into a gasp when the soft hands become claws raking down your side. Automatically you try to push back hard, grinding any part of you against him that you can. 

None of it is enough. 

"Sans, please. I'll be good just—"

"BE QUIET." A soft command but you do as he says, biting your lip hard enough to see spots. "THIS IS ALL YOU WILL GET. MY CUM ON YOUR BACK, AND MAYBE THEN YOU'LL _REMEMBER YOUR DAMNED MANNERS_."

A response dies on the tip of you tongue when his voice begins to break. You aren't sure if you care if you cum anymore, you just want to hear him come undone, feel him shake then maybe fuck you senseless after. But his teeth are on the the back of your neck, and you aren't sure what sort of sound you make as you literally feel him snarl as he cums. Your body tenses, wound too tight as you feel the warmth seep through your clothes. Only when he releases your hands do you realize he had been serious. He's stepped back entirely now, cleaning up like he hadn't just dry humped you into a wall. 

Petulantly you strip off your pants until a thought hits you and you hold them up to Sans who frowns slightly as he notes the look on your face. "They're bukkahkis now."

It's childish and you can't restrain your laughter as he snatches the pants away and tosses them into the trashcan instead of the hamper, leveling you with a look to kill. 

"AND NOW THEY ARE TRASH."

* * *

It's only been two days but you're fairly certain he wants to strangle you, regretting challenging you without meaning to. Every time you open your mouth there is a glint of wariness, and you know just one more pun and he's probably going bury you in the backyard. Stars, you love him. Especially when he looks furious as the he picks up the empty coffee pot. If you told him he looked hot he'd probably throw the pot at you right now, he always was cranky if you drank the last bit without refilling. Which is precisely why you'd done it. 

"WHERE IS ALL THE COFFEE?"

You raise your mug in a salute and smile wide enough to hurt, enjoying the way his eyes almost gutter out at the expression. You love when he knows its coming—ha! you'd save that for later—"Sorry, needed it for my ejaculatte."

"GO. UPSTAIRS. NOW."

A shiver of anticipation runs through you, and you congratulate yourself on having won. Mentally, because you love teasing him but you aren't trying to get sentenced to Papys for the week. Yet you take the time finish your drink, sipping it slowly as you watch him, eyes going completely dark when you ignore his orders. You can feel your heartbeat quicken as he turns away to make more coffee, far too quiet while you slurp.

Even quieter as he follows you up the stairs after you finish your coffee, like an executioner with a willing victim.

* * *

You're both a panting mess when he finally removes the gag. Your knees hurt, your ass hurts, and your jaw is killing you. You make a mental note to get a covered ring next time, distracted as you wipe drool from your chin until a finger taps your cheek gently. It traces your jawline, curving under your chin to tilt your head up. You swallow thickly, a sharp tug between starting from your navel then settling between your legs at the hearts in his eyes. “HAVE YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON?”

You take a moment to pop your jaw, working it quietly before licking your lips and leaning into the hand as it cups your cheek, unable to restrain a smirk when the grip tightens in warning at whatever expression you make. It takes everything you have to get it out without dissolving into a fit of laughter. 

“My compliments to the chef.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Punning during and after sex will always be hilarious and sexy. Change my mind XD


	4. Your Husbone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which your new husband has the patience of saint.

“Truth or dare.”

“I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE NEED TO PLAY THIS GAME.”

“Don’t be a spoilsport, Sans!”

“Yeah, mi’lord, don’t be a spoilsport.” 

Papyrus’ grin is shit eating and Sans snarls at him softly but turns his glare on you.

“STOP ENCOURGING HIM!” You only smile up at him and waggle your brows until he sighs. “FINE! TRUTH.”

“Who was your most recent crush?”

“YOU.”

There is no hesitation to his answer. You feel your cheeks flush then press your hands to them to cool them then grin over at him like an idiot.

“Aww, you really had a crush on me?!”

“WE ARE LITERALLY MARRIED.”

“This is so embarrassing! I can’t believe it!”

“You’re both embarrassing.”

“Eat a dick, Paps.”

“SHUT UP, MUTT.”

* * *

“Hey.”

Head pillowed in his lap you poke his jaw lightly, knowing it bothers him. He catches your hand quickly. Lacing your fingers together as an absent distraction with a light warning squeeze.

“WHAT.”

“Do you like me?”

“DO I—WHAT SORT OF QUESTION IS THAT?” His head whips around to face you but seeing nothing to concern him after a moment turns back to the TV with a tighter squeeze on your fingers. 

“So, you don’t like me?” He snorts, raising your joined hands without looking up, rings catching your eyes.

“WE’RE MARRIED!”

You gasp in fake surprise, "Really?!"

"UNFORTUNATELY."

"Hey!"

You open your mouth to say more but he moves your hands to his lips and presses a quick kiss the rings. 

"NOW HUSH."

* * *

You spy him from across the room and saunter over to the table, you don’t even need liquid courage because the look in his eye says he wants you too. You lean your hip against it to hover over him as he raises an eye ridge.

“Hey sexy, come here often?”

His expression flattens and he lets out a put-upon sigh even as his cheeks tint a dark blue. “WE COME HERE EVERY THURSDAY.”

“We? Oh no! Are you married?” You pout theatrically, hands clutched to your chest as he rolls his eyes and looks back to the menu, face darkening as he speaks.

“UNFORTUNATELY, YES. TO YOU. NOW WOULD YOU KINDLY SIT DOWN SO WE CAN ORDER DINNER?”

"Only if you're on the menu."

"YOUR MENU IS ABOUT TO BE VEGETARIAN IF YOU DON'T _SIT DOWN._ "

You pout but do as your told, grinning when he glances over the top of his menu at you and you catch the tiny hearts in his eyes.

* * *

“So, do you think you could introduce me to your friend?” You whisper to Alphys. The monster stares down at you blankly then the people around you, a flicker of confusion until you jerk your head towards him. “That one.”

“Sans?”

“Yeah!”

“Sans.” It’s not a question and she looks like she might chuck you across the house but you grin and nod as she continues, incredulous and annoyed. "Your husband. You want me to introduce to _your husband._ ”

“Well, yeah, he’s hot. Gotta shoot my shot, ya know?”

“I AM LITERALLY STANDING RIGHT HERE. I CAN HEAR YOU.”

“Perfect, so? What do you say? Wanna go out sometime?”

The skeleton flushes as Alphys stomps away, muttering, leaving you to wait expectantly. 

"WHY ARE YOU THE WAY THAT YOU ARE?"

"Is that a no? I could always sweeten the deal with-"

You're cut off by the skeletons lips on yours, hands on your hips as he tugs you close. He only pulls back far enough to whisper against your lips before diving back in. "AS IF I WOULD EVER TURN DOWN A DATE."

* * *

“WHY DID I MARRY YOU?”

The skeleton groans as he tosses out the ruined pan with a sigh. You don't know why he's so shocked, he should have known better than to try and let you cook. Still, you see an opening and you take it, dropping the melted spatula out of your hands so you can clasp your hands to your cheeks in shock.

“Oh my stars!”

“WHAT HAPPENED?” Sans in on you in seconds, clearly expecting something else from you tone, lifting your arms and looking for whatever injury he assumed you got. Your cheeks flush a bit but you just smile at him. His eye lights narrow immediately, dropping your hands and crossing his arms impatiently. "OUT WITH IT." 

“We’re married?!”

“YES. ABOUT TO BE DIVORCED TOO.” 

He mutters darkly even as his cheeks darken immediately at the words, slapping his hand to his forehead and staring at the ceiling as if it had answers. Still, he gives you another once over just in case, turning away to clean as if he can hide the little flush still on his cheek bones. 

* * *

You can hardly breathe between the press of lips. He never pulls back far enough, allowing you only the tiniest reprieve before his on you again but you're no better, hands working to pull off his clothes as fast as possible. There is something new aboutt his even if neither of you ever says it.

Well, hadn't said it before anyway. But you could never resist ruining a moment.

In between the fainest of pauses when his teeth have traveled to far down to silence you, nipping at your hip enticingly, you gasp out the words--

"Oh my."

"NO." He says firmly, biting in your hip rougher and licking a strip up you that almost makes you forget.

But not quite.

When you only hum he hisses out before impatiently crawling up you. "WHAT INSIPID DISTRACTION DO YOU HAVE THIS TIME?"

He holds up a finger before you can respond.

"AND IF IT ISN'T AMUSING DEAREST..." he trails off as he squeezes you hips in warning and you grin in response. 

"Would we call this our _marital_ relations?"

The skeleton breathes in deeply through his nose but you can see the little hearts in his eyes that said he hadn't actually put those exact thoughts into tangible words yet and you can feel him twitch against your stomach even as he flips you over with practiced ease and presses your face firmly into the pillow.

"THAT WAS HORRIBLE. NO STARS."

Your laughter dies out as quickly when his fingers get to work but have no regrets.

* * *

You hand him coffee quietly and a new pen as the one in his hands snaps under his irritation, the movement fluid as you sit back down and attend to your cereal. It's a testament to your tiredness that you miss the little grin that flits across his features before he sighs theatrically and begins to write again.

"THANK YOU PRECIOUS...YOU KNOW? SOMETIMES I COULD JUST MARRY YOU."

It took several moments of you blinking and chewing in confusion before you registered what he said. Your cheeks flushed with pleasure, spoon falling into the bowl with a clatter as you rested your chin on your palm to watch him. "If only."

He doesn't look up as he grabs your free hand, pressing a kiss to both it and the finger wearing the ring, a smug grin at his lips as he murmurs back just as softy. "IF ONLY."

Your stomach makes an odd swoop, and you both keep your hands laced as he continues to write and you use your other to eat. You've won this round as well, in more ways than one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flirting with your spouse is literally the most adorable thing every. Based off many ridiculous adorable memes I found where couples flirt like dorks.


End file.
